Anxiety

Every time I have a pending performance on the cello, I become anxious. This can start long before the date, and depending on what else is going on can bleed into every aspect of my life.

I wish I could figure out what to do about this. The sad truth is that I feel so much better when I don't perform; during the times when I have had nothing coming up, I have been free of this feeling, and it's been a wonderful thing.

Origins of this surely lie in how I was trained by my most influential teacher. She was extremely critical -- not without reason, because I was not the greatest student, and she was probably frustrated with me -- and I seem to have imbibed the idea that only if I am equally critical of myself will I not fall into my natural slothful and sloppy playing habits. I have had the experience of using this habit to goad myself into producing good performances, and at times have been almost superstitious about having to practice things in a certain way and having to put in a certain amount of time.

I am almost afraid to have a positive approach. I do I have a goal of how I want to sound, but I fear falling far short of that goal, as happened when I played the Saint-Saëns concerto two years ago. I have the lingering suspicion that that happened because I wasn't diligent enough. I can almost hear my teacher's voice in my head, saying something scathing.

There is also my desire to impress people. I want that little thrill of praise. I know, intellectually, that this is silly. Tying myself into emotional knots over it is worse than silly. The fact is, most people don't pay that much attention and will say nice things as long as you don't fall off the stage. So I'm seeking validation from other people that generally doesn't mean a whole hell of a lot.

It's almost worse playing something simple like the Dvorak "Silent Wood," for some reason. Perhaps because there's so little there to distract from the pure elements of tone, intonation, deep rhythmic pulse, and feeling.

So some of my doubts and fears:

• Am I doing all I can to prepare?
• Am I missing something in technique, interpretation?
• Do I even know enough to play this?
• Am I good enough to begin with?

I wish I could figure out what to do about this. The sad truth is that I feel so much better when I don't perform; during the times when I have had nothing coming up, I have been free of this feeling, and it's been a wonderful thing. On the other hand, performing well is intensely satisfying. After it's over, the memory of the anxiety fades -- until the next time.